Falling-out-of-loveThis is one of the more personal posts you will see on this blog, and one of the only statements I will make publicly about what is going on in my personal life at the moment. 

Divorce is an ugly word, even though we know over half of marriages will end that way, never mind your religious affiliation or if you come from a broken home. Then the odds certainly swing away from success.

When you add mental health issues, such as OCD, a demanding career, starting a business, and a spouse with issues of their own, trouble brews like thunderheads on the horizon. You can’t hold them off forever, and it is going to storm and rain. The ideal situation is to wheather those storms the best you can, but everyone has a breaking point. I reached mine myself recently, and decided it was time to let go.

The commitment. A working relationship requires 100% effort on both sides. In days of yore, unbalance was the norm. A woman simply shut up and took it, even if her husband was abusive. On the flip side, many men became “pussy whipped,” controlled by their wives, asking permission or for a “kitchen pass.” The latter is almost funny, except that both types of relationship are abusive and unhealthy.

Then society awakened to the worth of the individual, and we seek to empower ourselves. The idea of 100% commitment to another person takes on a whole new meaning. No longer are these lopsided relationships acceptable.

Acceptance. Everyone is flawed, and the sooner we accept of ourselves, the sooner we can accept the flaws of others. Writers and creative people tend to embrace nearly anyone, as we are an odd bunch. Our spouses usually react one of two ways: they either embrace this and join the fun of our community, realizing there is no “right” way to act for us, or they stay out of our circle of friends. Neither happened in my case.

Silence. Right now it is relatively silent at my house. One child, 12, is getting ready for school. He knows that dad is working, i.e. writing, and he has slowly come to respect and accept that. My daughter, 18, just got home from working night shift. She’s almost done with a CNA course, and is headed for the medical field. She’ll be moving out soon, in June. I’m proud of her.

But I will be moving out first. Because yesterday was filled again with the sound of yelling, insults, and disrespect. Something present for the last two years, but worse since I told my wife I was leaving. I could have just walked out, but I wanted to be fair, and give her and the kids some warning.

The commitment was gone, one sided and exhausting. The acceptance of my career change two years ago never happened, even though it paid the bills and then some, and respect for what I did every day, of my work space and time, went as well. A few months back, after a particularly emotional breakdown on her part, I knew it was over.

Finally, I got the courage to stand up, and tell her I was going. Unhealthy relationships don’t always show up as a bruise on a cheek, or a bandaged arm. Sometimes, the bruises are way deeper, and more easily hidden.

I don’t hate her, in fact quite the opposite, but we’re broken. I’m broken. So I have chosen the path to healing. Letting go.

12 Responses

  1. Oh Troy – I am so sorry to read this. But, many kudos to you for sharing your feelings publicly. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts that your upcoming journey to healing and happiness goes as smoothly as possible. Step by step, minute by minute, you’ll make it. Much love being sent your way. Wendy

    1. Thanks Wendy. The whole process is painful, but I hope we will both be better on the other side.

  2. That sucks, Troy. Sorry to hear it. I hope both of you gain better, happier lives. My sympathies in this rough time.

  3. Oh, I’m sorry to hear about this Troy. I know from experience this is a tough, heartbreaking decision, even when it’s the right one. I wish the best for you and your family as you make the adjustment so everyone can move forward.

  4. When reading this, the thing that stood out the most was, the fact that you said ” I don’t hate her, in fact quite the opposite” if that was the case, finding a way to love your wife for other reasons is a choice. Finding out what the root of the problem instead of throwing in the towel when she may be needing you the most right now. I believe in miracles. You guys have been together so long, and children later, to just walk away. My opinion of course. God bless you both.

    1. You are right, in a way. It takes two to break apart a relationship, and I know I am hard to live with. I don’t blame her at all. But it is possible to love someone, and not be able to reconcile things. This has been a two year process, and an agonizing decision. You are just seeing the tail end of it, because I have not (and will not) share the rest publicly. I wish you all the best, and thanks for your thoughts.

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