After quickly slamming four beers the other night, I stopped drinking. I decided it was time to make some resolutions, even though it isn’t the New Year. With some of the things I am going through personally, it became clear that some things needed to be determined before the situations arose.
You see, I’m going through a divorce. But I don’t hate my soon to be ex. Far from it. I want her to be happy, and clearly our relationship is a hindrance to that. She can’t see it right now, but I hope she will soon. Sometimes, the hard stuff is best for everyone in the long run. But this love, this desire for her happiness as well as mine, creates pain. And dealing with that pain can itself be damaging. So I made some decisions.
First, no more depressive drinking. Last Saturday night, before the week of the horrid spring cold, I was drinking for fun, and it was pleasant. I held myself in check, to make sure I didn’t drink too much and go overboard. The adult beverages enhanced my good times. Then, after a particularly bad day, I found myself drinking to get numb. Not good. So while I won’t stop drinking entirely over the coming months, I have resolved not to drink solely to bury the pain. It just isn’t productive, or good for me in other ways.
Second, I will take care of myself. This is something not easy for me, as I tend to be the self-sacrificer. I’ll put others needs over my own, until I have nothing left to give. In this situation, however, my tank is already so empty if I do not take the time to fill it, I will literally snap in one way or another. So I cannot ignore my needs. I will go to the gym, I will eat, shower, and shave at least three times a week. (Hey, I work at home. I can get away with that.)
Third, I will not lash out in anger. Pain triggers a fight or flight response, hard to ignore. Sometimes though, for the good of ourselves and those around us, we have to suppress those natural urges, so we do not make the situation worse. For me, I know my words can sting, and I know just how to make them do that. Until I am past this stage, I will cause others as little pain as I can.
Will I keep my resolutions? I hope so. What other things have you resolved when going through tough times? I’d love to hear from you.